Does Pursuing Your Own Happiness Mean Not Honoring Commitments?

This is a reader question. Let me know if you have one!

We need to call bullshit on the perception that it’s a zero-sum game.

Many of my clients struggle with figuring out what they really want in life. They are deep thinkers, talented and intelligent people – their problem isn’t that they lack drive or skills, it’s that they can’t figure out where and how to focus them. By the time they’ve contacted me, they’ve been scattering their energies among a number of pathways for some time, never feeling like any is the right one, and they are stuck and exhausted. Sometimes their biggest block to moving forward is they don’t know what would make them happy, but more often than not there is a deeper obstacle at play. Many of my clients struggle the most with giving themselves permission to pursue a life that would make them happy. They feel, usually subconsciously, that pursuing their own happiness would be selfish. They have commitments to family and career, and internally to their own image of who they are in the world, that all feel under threat when they envision being true to themselves and living the life of their dreams. Today I am answering a reader question: does pursuing your own happiness mean not honoring commitments to others?

This is on the one hand an easy question to answer. Logically we understand that it’s not a zero-sum game between pursuing our own happiness and honoring social and societal commitments. But we subconsciously believe that everything will fall apart if we selfishly and hedonistically pursue our deepest desires. We can nod our heads a thousand times at the wisdom of “put your own air mask on first,” and still put ourselves last again and again because putting ourselves first feels like it might end the world. It goes without saying, but I’ll say it anyway, that women have been socialized to put themselves last every time. Even when we know it’s a false dichotomy, that pursuing our own happiness doesn’t mean others automatically get screwed, those internalized cultural values take hold. Most of the time we discipline ourselves into proper “unselfish” behavior without even thinking about it.

Even when we know this isn’t a zero-sum game, we still need to call bullshit on ourselves and anyone else who tries to make it one. Even if all day long your brain is going, “But what about this or that responsibility, what will people say, what if this means I’m a bad mother/employee/woman/person,” call it out. Every. Time. If it’s someone else who’s saying those things, this and this post have some tips.

Next take a close look at the points of conflict between your happiness and your commitments. Is this really and either/or situation? What is the third option? Because there is always a third option. Example: you dream about being a travel blogger but have kids and a career. There may be ways to actually be a travel blogger while still being a parent and a nine-to-fiver (weekend trips, taking the kids along, etc.), but that’s not what we’re going for here. Break it down: what, exactly, about being a travel blogger appeals? When you envision that lifestyle, what pops out? Vacationing in exotic locales? Writing about your experiences? Learning about new cultures? Making connections with others? Having a beautiful Instagram feed? Just the fantasy of being unburdened by your current burdens? Any one of these can be incorporated into your life through means other than becoming a travel blogger.

Here’s the thing to understand. Your desires are information. They are your soul telling you something about who you are and what gives you life. Pursuing your desires doesn’t necessarily mean making your fantasies a reality. The vision you have of your dream life is an emergent property of the elements that comprise your true desires. We want to feel whole, valued, worthy, inspired. No one specific situation or choice will accomplish that for us. Rather, it is the way that we perceive our lives and selves that creates those realities for us. If you are experiencing a major conflict between your own happiness and your life commitments, there is an easier way out than you suppose. Most of the work of getting unstuck is mental. Shift your perspective, and your field of options will look entirely different.

I can help you with that. Interested in working with me? Contact me to see if we’d be a good fit. I offer a free consultation to all new clients.